Sesshomaru Todd
by Theinsanefangirl
Summary: You mix Sweeney Todd with Inuyasha, and you get this. Bear with me; I was so bored. XDD
1. Chapter 1

Sesshomaru Todd

Kohaku: *sitting on Kirara, singing* I have flew the world and seen its wonders; from the temples of India to the walls of China. But there's no place like the Feudal Era!

Sesshomaru: *sitting on Kirara as well* No, there's no place like the Feudal Era.

Kohaku: Mr. Sesshomaru?

Sesshomaru: You are young; life has been kind to you; you will learnnnn….. There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and the vermin of the world inhabit it and it's morals aren't worth what a half demon could spit and it goes by the name of Feudal Era. On top of the hole sit the privileged few, making mock of the vermin of the lower zoo, turning beauty into filth and greed. I, too, have flew the world and seen its wonders for the cruelty of men is as wondrous as China! But, there's no place like the Feudal Era!!

*They get off Kirara and head toward the villages.*

Kohaku: Are you alright, Mr. Sesshomaru?

Sesshomaru: I feel ghosts everywhere.

Kohaku: No wonder; you're standing on a grave.

Sesshomaru: *looks down* Oh… whatever. *starts to sing* There was a demon and his wife….

Kohaku: What's with the singing?

Sesshomaru: Shut up! *clears throat* A foolish demon and his wife… She was his reason and his life, and she was beautiful, but so was he. *flips hair*

Kohaku… no comment.

*Past: Kikyo and Sesshomaru walk together, her holding a child. He flips his hair to show his daughter how pretty he is. He smiles.*

Sesshomaru (V.O): There was another man who was that she was beautiful… or maybe he was looking at me.

*Naraku and Hakudoshi spot Kikyo; (Sesshomaru frowns when he realizes they're not looking at him)*

Sesshomaru: But, he was a spider of the law, and with his claw, he removed the demon from his plate!

*Naraku's henchmen take Sesshomaru away. Kikyo gasps sadly*

Sesshomaru: And she would fall so lost, so young, and so beautiful!! But, not as beautiful as me!!

Kohakau: She did succumb?

Sesshomaru: Huh?! Oh, it was many years ago. I doubt anyone would know. Well, thank you, Kohaku. If you have not spotted me, I'd still be stuck in that tree.

Kohaku: Will I see you again?  
Sesshomaru: I doubt it; this is the Feudal Era. We don't have street numbers, but I guess you can try. See ya. *Leaves and heads to his former village*

Scene 2:

*Sesshomaru heads to a small hut and looks at it. The sign says "Miss Kagura's meat pies." He groans and goes in. Kagura is chopping up meat with her dance of blades. She sees Sesshomaru.*

Kagura: *gasping, singing* A customer! *Sesshomaru tries to leave* Wait! SIT DOWN! I haven't seen a customer for weeks. Want a pie?

Sesshomaru: Not really.

Kagura: My head hurts, but don't worry about it. *steps on bugs* Eww, those things always get into my pies! No one comes in here, but I don't blame them. These are the worst pies in the Feudal Era.

Sesshomaru: Yeah, saying that really makes me want one.

Kagura: I know why they don't take them; they're not good at all. Just take a bite.

Sesshomaru: *bites it* What the hell?

Kagura: It's gross, isn't it? It's nothing but crusting. Here, drink this, you'll need it. *hands him tea* The price of meat is really high. It's hard to make good pies. But, Mrs. Kanna does a business. It's weird; cats everyday disappear. A pussy cat pie? That's sick. And men always think it's a treat to find animals in the street. Time is hard, sir!

Sesshomaru: Uh-huh.

Kagura: Harder than my pies.

Sesshomaru: That's nice.

Kagura: They taste like pity and... and a woman alone with limited wind, and the worst pies in the Feudal Era! TIME IS HARD!!! *spoken* You need more than tea to take the taste out. Let's go see if I have alcohol or something.

*Sesshomaru follows her to the other room (she has a big hut)*

Kagura: Here, you go. Sit down.

Sesshomaru: You have a room over the hut. Rent it out, if you need money.

Kagura: No. It's haunted. A woman who lived up there got raped.  
Sesshomaru: Raped?

Kagura: Yeah. You see… *singing* There was a demon and his wife and he was beautiful…

Sesshomaru: I bet he was

Kagura: He used his claws, not a knife, but he was sent to a far away land for punishment… And he was beautiful!! Kato his name was….Nikito Kato.

Sesshomaru: What did he do?

Kagura: He suffered from stupidity.

Sesshomaru: O:

Kagura: He had this wife… pretty little thing… silly little nit had her chance for a moon on a string.

Sesshomaru: How the hell do you do that?

Kagura: Shut up, I'm singing. *singing* There was this Lord, you see. Wanted her like mad, every day he sent her an arrow, but she did not take it and cried with a sparrow.

Sesshomaru: ….WTF?  
Kagura: Poor fool, but there much worse to come. The Beadle calls on her one night, and the Lord blames himself for her plight and she must go to his house or something. Of course, when she goes there, he's having a party with cake. She knows no one there, so she drinks and thinks of jumping in a lake. "Where is the Lord?" she asks. He was there, but not contrite that night! She wasn't no match for such craft and so he raped her and everyone laughed. The end.

Sesshomaru: OMG! Why didn't anyone do anything?

Kagura: You're Nikito Kato!  
Sesshomaru: Where is Kikyo; where is my wife?

Kagura: She poisoned herself, I think. And he's got your daughter?

Sesshomaru: Naraku?

Kagura: Adopted her.

Sesshomaru: 15 years of sweating in a living hell….

Kagura: Sounds hot.

Sesshomaru: I know. 15 years dreaming of coming home to my wife and child.

Kagura: Yeah, your life sucks, Mr. Kato.

Sesshomaru: No. No Kato. That man is dead. I killed him. It's Todd now… Sesshomaru Todd. And he will have his revenge.

*Kagura takes him upstairs to the hut above the shop. Sesshomaru looks at pictures on the wall. Kagura opens up a cupboard*

Kagura: When they came for your daughter, I hid them. They seemed more important.

Sesshomaru: *opens it* Poison claws! *puts them on* heehee! *singing*These are my friends! See how they glisten. See this one shine in the light! My friend! My faithful friend! *puts claw up to ear* Whisper, friend. I'll listen.

Claw: Hi

Sesshomaru: OMG, WTF? Ah, never mind. *resumes* I know you've been locked, just like me. But, I've come home, and you were waiting! We'll do wonders, won't we, friend?

Kagura: I'm your friend too!

Sesshomaru: Shut up. Let me hold you.

Kagura: Okay!

Sesshomaru: Not you! My claws!! With a sigh…

Both: You're warm in my hand!

Sesshomaru: My friends!

Kagura: I always stalked you before.

Sesshomaru: *twitch, twitch* Rest now, my claws.

Kagura: You can move in here.

Both: Splendors you'll never have dreamed all your days…

Kagura:…will be yours!

Sesshomaru: My sexy friends! Your shine used to be so green….

Kagura: Green's good enough for me.

Sesshomaru: Soon, you'll drip precious rubies.

Kagura: Awesomness! *puts her head on Sesshomaru's shoulder*

Sesshomaru: *turning to her* Get off me…. And leave…

Kagura: FINE!! *storms out*

Sesshomaru: *gets up and holds out his hand* Finally, my arm is complete again! With my sexy figure nails! *He smiles*


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Kohaku: *walking down the street, with his bag over his shoulder. He sits down on a small bench, staring at the map*

Rin: *sitting next to the window in her mansion; she begins to sing* Ooooh, Ah and Un, please tell me, how is it you sing? How can you jubilate sitting around never taking wing? Outside the sky waits, beckoning beckoning for you to fly. Go take a wing and make sure you don't die! How is it you sing anything? How is it you sing? My cage has many rooms which are so dark, please come take me away and from this shark!

Kohaku: Sharks are cool.

Rin: *vocalizes while someone stares at her through a peephole* Oooh, Ah and Un, teach me how to sing. If cannot fly, let me siiiing! *She smiles at Kohaku. She hears a noise and leaves*

Kohaku: She left…. She doesn't think I'm ugly, does she? *frowns*

Kikyo: *approaches him, hands outstretched* Give me money, you there. Please, share…. Your cash with me, please, before I drown myself in the sea.

Kohaku: :O That's sad.

Kikyo: Can I just have some cash?

Kohaku: *hands her money*

Kikyo: Thank you, sir!

Kohaku: Whose mansion is this?

Kikyo: That's the mansion of Lord Naraku.

Kohaku: Who is the young lady there?

Kikyo: That's Rin, his ward. He likes to keep her locked up.

Kohaku: But, why?

Kikyo: Because, he doesn't want any boy trying to molest her. He will kill them, so don't go there, or it will be bad for you. *Leaves* MONEY, PLEASE!!

Kohaku: Weirdo…. *grabs his bag and slings it over his shoulder* I feel you, my Rin! That sounds a little perverted, doesn't it? Oh, well. I thought I could be dreaming, but I'm not! I feel you, my Rin…. And one day, I'll steal you. But, in a good way. I'll steaaaal you! *walks past the mansion and the doors open*

Naraku: Come in, boy.

Kohaku: *gulps and walks in.*

Naraku: So, you were looking for the sacred tree?

Kohaku: Yes, I'm a demon slayer.

Naraku: Are you? You must know the ways of the world?

Kohaku: I suppose…?

Naraku: Well, I have pictures of stuff you think of doing with women.

Kohaku: Uh……

Naraku: Or are you gay?

Kohaku: NO!

Naraku: Do you want to see the pictures, you drooler?

Kohaku: Huh? What do you mean?  
Naraku: You know what I mean! You drooled over my ward, Rin! You drooled! Yes, sir, you drooled. And… *grabs him by the shoulder* If I ever see you here again, I'll kill you. *nods at Hakudoshi*

*Hakudoshi throws Kohaku outside.*

Hakudoshi: It's over there, the tree! *Takes out a staff and begins beating him until he falls to the ground* Next time you come by here, I will rip out your brains. *goes inside and comes outside again to throw Kohaku's bag on him.*

Kohaku: *crying* OWWW! That hurts. *gets up and sings again* I feel you, my Rin! I feel you. Do they think that walls can hide you? I'm at your window! I'm in the dark right next to you, buried in your black hair! One day, I'll steal you! Until then, I'm buried in your black hair! *Leaves the street*

Scene 4

*Kagura and Sesshomaru are walking through the streets through the village.*

Kagura: He's here every Thursday. Italian; the best demon barber ever, they say.

Sesshomaru: Well, that will change.

*They wait in the crowd. Sesshomaru spots Hakudoshi walking through the crowds, talking to villagers. He flexes his claws and tries to approach him.*

Kagura: Hang on. *He stops and stands quietly.*

Shippo: *Comes out, holding a drum. He begins drumming it and sings* Ladies and Gentleman, may I have your attention please? Do you think it is really not so fair when you look on your pillow and see all that hair? Well, I'll show you something that rose from the dead? Look, it's on my head! Well, this was due to Inuyasha's Miracle Elixir! That's what did the trick, sir! And it was very quick as well, sir! *throws a bottle at someone* Try Inuyasha's Miracle Elixir, and look, you've got hair! How bout a bottle, mister? Costs $50 guaranteed. Does it simulate the growth, sir? You can have my oath; it's unique. Rub ten minutes! Awesome, isn't it? Soon, you'll have thin twice a week!

Sesshomaru: *singing* Excuse me, ma'am, what is that stink?

Kagura: No one will use this stuff, not even Link. (Zelda reference just to make it rhyme XD)

Sesshomaru: Seriously, what the hell?

Kagura: It stinks so bad!

Shippo: Buy Inuyasha's Miracle Elixir. Anything will slick, sir. It sprouts curls. When people see you use this bottle, you can choose any of the girls!

Sesshomaru: Can't he just go to the red light district? Why go through all this trouble? *takes the bottle* What is this?

Kagura: What is this?

Sesshomaru: Smells like piss.

Kagura: There's a stink!

Sesshomaru: It's just piss and ink!

Shippo: Let Inuyasha simulate your hair!

Sesshomaru: Sir, don't get it on your sandals, take extra care!

Shippo: Buy Inuyasha's Miracle Elixir! Ladies seem to love it!

Kagura: Flies do too!

*Inuyasha comes out.*

Inuyasha: I'm the Signor Inuyasha! The barber of demons, the demon of barbers, oh, good day! I blow you a kiss! *smooch*

Sesshomaru: WTF?

Inuyasha: And I… so the famous Inuyasha wishes to know who has the nerve to the say…. My elixir is piss. WHO SAYS THIS?!

Sesshomaru: I do. My name is Sesshomaru Todd; And your elixir is piss and ink. And I bet ten bucks, that I can shave a person with my claws better than you can.

Inuyasha: Fine, idiot. Let's shave!

Sesshomaru: Who wants a free shave?

*Men raise their hands. Two come up and sit down*

Sesshomaru: Will Hakudoshi be the judge?

Hakudoshi: Delighted; I love to help my friends and neighbors.

Sesshomaru: *under breath* Yeah, you help your friend rape people.

Hakudoshi: Eh???

Sesshomaru: *fake smile* NOTH-ING!

Hakudoshi: Ah, okay. The fastest shave, without killing anyone, is the winner! Go!

Inuyasha: *singing* Now, signora, signor, we first mix the lather, but first you can see the man who had the glory to shave the priest. Mr. Sesshy, whoever, will probably say it was only a hobo, but at least!! It was a priest! *shaves his man while Sesshomaru sharpens his claws* To shave, the face, to cut the hair! It requires grace and requires flair! Because you can easily slip and clip the lip and ruin the face… but, I'm awesome. So that's not the case! To shave the face, to trim the beard; to make the bristle as clean as a whistle… This is the gift I was given to by God! It take wills and pains and *high voice* GRAAAAAAAAAACE!

*Sesshomaru quickly shaves his man. Inuyasha is not done yet.*

Hakudoshi: The winner is Todd!

*Kagura and others clap.*

Inuyasha: I bow to your gift, sir.

Sesshomaru: My ten bucks.  
Inuyasha: *hands it to him* Until we meet again. COME, SHIPPO! COME! *slaps him and pulls him away.*

Kagura: That poor lad.

Sesshomaru: uh-huh.

Man: Mr. Todd? Do you have your own establishment?

Kagura: He sure does. Just come by my meat pie shop and see for yourself.

Man: That place is gross.

Kagura: Shut up, or you won't get a shave!

Man: Okay, okay. God…

Sesshomaru: Thank you, Hakudoshi.

Hakudoshi: Like I said, I love to help out. You're shaving place is by her meat pie shop?  
Sesshomaru: Yes, sir.

Hakudoshi: Well, you'll see me before the week is out.

Sesshomaru: You will be welcome. And I can give you the closest shave you will ever know.

Hakudoshi: Awesomeness. *Leaves*

Kagura: Come on. *Kagura takes Sesshomaru away*

SCENE 5

*Rin sits at her window, holding her knitting. She sees Kohaku outside, peering up into her window. Grabs a key and throws it down to him. Naraku watches through the peep hole and gasps*

*Back at the meat house, Kagura is sitting in a chair while Sesshomaru sharpens his claws*

Kagura: Do you like it? My husband used to sit in it when he got too lazy to move.

Sesshomaru: Where is Hakudoshi? Before the week is out?!

Kagura: It's only Tuesday, Drama Mama.

Sesshomaru: *growls and walks away.*

Kagura: *singing and following him* Hush, Fluff, hush. Don't get nuts. What's your rush? Keep your thoughts nice and lush. Wait. Think it through, once it bubbles then what's to do?

Sesshomaru: We're not cooking anything, dummy.

Kagura: *ignoring him* Let is brew. Wait. Daisies would be sexy in this room, and it would relieve the gloom.

Sesshomaru: I eat flowers. I want the Lord.

Kagura: Stop thinking of something that happened God knows how many years ago. Can't you be slow? Time's so fast. OMG, look, now it's past. Soon will come and it will last; wait! *sits him in the chair* Don't you know, silly man, half the fun is to plan the plan. All good things come to those who can wait. So how bout those flowers?

Sesshomaru: You're right I suppose. And NO FLOWERS! *They hear footsteps so Sesshomaru hides behind the door*

Kohaku: *opens the door* Mr. Todd! Oh, sorry.

Kagura: Kagura, sir.

Kohaku: Thank you. *Finds Sesshomaru* Mr. Todd, I met a girl!

Sesshomaru: At least that answers the question of whether you're gay or not.

Kohaku: Whaa? Oh, well, she's pretty, but lonely too… She gave me this key. So, surely, Rin wants me to help her. That's her name, Rin, and Naraku is her guardian; I guess he's a Lord. When he leaves to do Lord business, I'm going to ask her to run away with me? But, I don't know anyone in the Feudal Era, so can I bring her here? Please?  
Sesshomaru:…….

Kagura: Sure!

Kohaku: Thank you!! Mr. Todd?

Sesshomaru: Yeah.

Kohaku: Thank you so much! *runs out.*

Sesshomaru: *pissed off*

Kagura: What's wrong with you? You'll have her.

Sesshomaru: Can I kill him?

Kagura: eh, why not? *looks outside and sees Inuyasha and Shippo.* What's he doing here?

Sesshomaru: Keep the boy downstairs.

*Kagura goes downstairs and talks to them*

Inuyasha: Is Mr. Todd at home?

Kagura: Upstairs. Oh, it's so cute; can I give it something to eat.

Inuyasha: Go ahead. *Kagura takes Shippo inside. Inuyasha goes upstairs* Mr. Todd.

Sesshomaru: Signor Inuyasha.

Inuyasha: *British Accent* The name is Reiko. Reiko is the name when it's not professional. Now, give me my money back.

Sesshomaru: No!

Inuyasha: You were lying; so, now, I'll take all your money! Mr. Nikito Kato.

Sesshomaru: Le gasp!

*Kagura, downstairs, is giving Shippo pie*

Kagura: Here ya go. *Shippo eats it eagerly* I appreciate a man with a big appetite. Like my husband; but, he didn't have your hair.

Shippo: *takes off wig.* It gets hot.

Kagura: LIES!

Shippo: :

*Back upstairs, Sesshomaru is looking out the window in distress.*

Inuyasha: You don't remember me, do you? Well, you just hired me to sweep up hair. And not blood, thankfully. How could I forget you? You're beautiful.

Sesshomaru: Well, I can't argue with that.

Inuyasha: And I remember these *grabs claws* I dreamed when I can be a demon barber like yourself. You were inspiration. So, are you going to give me all your cash or should I run down to Hakudoshi and tell him everything? *Italian Accent* MR. SESSHOMARU TODD? MWAHAHAHA!

Sesshomaru: *grabs a teapot and begins hitting him with it* Damn you, Half Demon! DIE DIE DIE!

*downstairs*

Shippo: What was that?

Kagura: Nottthing :D

Shippo: :

Kagura: How'd you end up with that goober?

Shippo: He got me from the workhouse. Holy freaking crap! He has an appointment and I need to get him or he'll kill me! *runs upstairs.*  
Kagura: Waait!

Shippo: *upstairs* Mr. Todd?

Sesshomaru: *drinking tea* Inuyasha is gone. Better run after him.

Shippo: *sits on a chest, with a finger sticking out* I should wait for him, until he gets back.

Sesshomaru: Did Kagura give you a pie?

Shippo: Yeah, they're gross, but Inuyasha doesn't feed me, so I needed the nourishment.

Sesshomaru: That's screwed up, but since you're so hungry, get some more pie.

Shippo: I guess, but I should stay here.

Sesshomaru: *annoyed* Go downstairs and tell Kagura to give you some alcohol.

Shippo: :D Thank you!! *runs downstairs*

*Sesshomaru opens the chest and Inuyasha tries to get up. He slices his neck with his poison claws and stuffs him back into the chest. *

Sesshomaru: *looking at his sleeve* Eww, I got blood on it.

Ladies

*Naraku is in court, holding up a sword as his gavel*

Naraku: This is the third time, you've been here. So, as a result, you will be hanged from the neck until dead. Haah! *swishes his sword*

Hakudoshi: *creepy grin.*

Little kid being sentenced: *starts crying.* Waaaah

*Outside*

Hakudoshi: Stupid kid. He's going to die.

Naraku: Did he even do it?

Hakudoshi: Even not, he's probably done something that's bad enough to get him hanged.

Naraku: Like every man on earth.

Hakudoshi: Eh?

Naraku:… *shifty eyes* Come. *smile* I have decided to marry Rin.

Hakudoshi: :D Happy news, sir!

Naraku: But, when I presented myself…. She….

*flashback:*

Naraku: Rin, will you marry me?

Rin: EEEEWW!!! NO NO NO! GET AWAY FROM ME!!

Naraku: : *leaves*

*End flashback*\

Hakudoshi: Well, Lord, you are ugly and you need to shave.

Naraku: I guess.

Hakudoshi: Ladies are weak. So clean yourself up and she will pretty much throw herself on you.

Naraku: I like the thought of that.

Hakudoshi: There's a barber I know. Come, let's find him.

Naraku: Okay!!! Yaaay!


	3. Chapter 3

At the Barber's

*Kagura sits with Shippo, who is guzzling down alcohol*

Kagura: Take it easy, kid. You're going to have one heck of a hangover.

Shippo: They used to give to us in the workhouse, so we can sleep, but gross things happen in the dark. Besides, this stuff is good.

Kagura: Uh-huh. I'm going to see what's going on with Mr. Todd. *is about to take the bottle*

Shippo: *HISS*

Kagura: O_o *sets the bottle down and backs away slowly. She goes upstairs* That stupid kid is freaking me out. Where is Inuyasha?

Sesshomaru: Dead… *turns around and he is wiping his claws on a napkin*

Kagura: You didn't, Mr. T!

Sesshomaru: That's why I said he's dead, dumwad. Listen for once!

Kagura: *opens up chest* Holy crap! You're insane! He did nothing to you besides being an insufferable nutcase!

Sesshomaru: Well, he did try to blackmail me! Didn't you see him?  
Kagura: Uh… no. I was downstairs serving that little alcoholic.

Sesshomaru: Oh…. Well… ahem

Kagura: It's a different matter then. *takes Inuyasha's wallet* hehehe

Sesshomaru: Send the boy up. I want to kill.

Kagura: Uh… no.

Sesshomaru: *glares* You dare to defy me?

Kagura: I mean, he can help me around my shop.

Sesshomaru: Meh, fine. *looks out the window* The Lord! *turns to Kagura* Go away.

Kagura: Screw you.

Sesshomaru: Leave now!

Kagura: P *leaves*

Sesshomaru: Oh, no. There's blood on me. *grabs jacket and puts it own*  
Naraku: Mr. Todd?

Sesshomaru: Ello' Govnur. There's no murdering in here~

Naraku:… What?

Sessshomaru: It is a pleasure to serve you.

Naraku: You know me?

Sesshomaru: Well, you are the famous rapist, Lord Naraku.

Naraku: Huh?

Sesshomaru: Oh, I'm sorry. Slip of the tongue. Forgive me. Did you come for a shave? Sit. *takes Naraku's jacket off*

Naraku: *singing* You see, sir, a man who is very much in love. I am her slave. Now, fetch me some further sexiness with a shaaaaave~

Sesshomaru: *under breath* I can't do that; you're ugly. *puts a cover over him* The closest I ever gave. . It's your delight, isn't it, catching fire from one man to the next?

Naraku: No; that's a stupid delight. But, love can inspire the blood to pump the heart. What more can man require?

Sesshomaru: Women, stupid.

Naraku: Sexy women?

Sesshomaru: No, ugly women. *to claws* My friends, it's time to kill the evil rapist….. Revenge can't be taken in haste… *about to kill Naraku*

Naraku: Make haste *moves* that if we wed, you will commended, sir!

Sesshomaru: Dude, stop moving! Who are you marrying?

Naraku: My ward, Rin. She's so pretty.

Sesshomaru: As pretty as her mother?

Naraku: WHAAAT?

Sesshomaru: Nothing…. *shaves him a little bit* Sexy women, fascinating, sipping tea, dancing… sexy women are amazing. Sexy womeeeen, sitting in the window, or throwing the chair. Something in them, cheers the aiiiir

Naraku: Sexy women…. So amazing. Glancinggggg

Sessshomaru: Stay forever, and breathe lightly.

Both: SEXY WOMEN! SEXY WOMEN!

Sesshomaru: Combing out their hair or just being seeexy. Even when they leave, they are still there, because you are too hot to leave.

Both: How they make us siing! Sexy women, sexy women! Sexy women! *Sesshomaru is about to kill Naraku, but Kohaku comes in*

Kohaku: Mr. Todd, Rin's going to elope with me. *Dance* Oh…. *censored word*

Naraku: What? My ward elope with you? *wipes face* I will not stay here with this ugly boy and sexy barber! *runs out*

Sesshomaru: At least he has good taste.

Kohaku: Mr. Todd, help me. Please.

Sesshomaru: Get out before I eat your intestines.

Kohaku: Eeek *runs away*

Kagura: *comes up* What happened? I saw them running on the stairs.

Sesshomaru: He was right there. I had him!

Kagura: Take a chill pill.

Sesshomaru: It's all your fault; you told me to wait! *sings* There's a hole in the world that's a great black pit and all I do is just sit and spit and the half demons of the world inhabit it. We all deserve to die. Tell you why, tell you why. There's only two types of men. There's the one who's sitting all pretty on his throne and there's the one he's got his foot on. No, we all deserve to die. *grabs Kagura* Even you, even I. Because once the bad guys are dead, everyone will be happy. We all deserve to die~ *puts his claws next to Kagura's neck, but lowers them* And I'll never seeeee Rin…. No I'll never hug her to me! FINISHED! *goes outside, approaches many men* Alright, you sir! Do you want a shave and then end up in a grave? You, sir, too sir! I will have vengeance. You, sir! Come in my chair and let me shave your hair! Since I can't get to the Lord, I will kill those unworthy until I do. Mwaha. *falls to the ground* And Kikyo is gone…. I'll never see her again. But the work waits. I'm alive at last and I'm full of joy! *he was imagining everything and he is inside the shop*

Kagura: Gotcha, freak, but what about that body.

Sesshomaru:….  
Kagura: *helps him up and takes him downstairs. She gets the bottle from Shippo who is sleeping it off in the living room. Gives Sesshomaru a glass* Now, there's a body up there. What do we do?

Sesshomaru: Throw it away when it's dark, Sherlock.

Kagura: That's the easy way out. *sings* It's a shame because that frame will go to waste because meat is expensive. Get it?

Sesshomaru: *appalled face* Sicko!

Kagura: *smile* Well, think about it. Cats are only good for 6 or seven. We need the money, don't you? And you want to kill people. What do you care, you're a demon?

Sesshomaru: *dances with her* You're right, you genius! Listen to the crunching sound, darling. Since it's man devouring man…

Both: We can't deny it in here!

Kagura: Look, it's priest, have a little priest. It's really good at least and fresh.

Sesshomaru: It's fat.

Kagura: Only where it sat. But, we have no poet, so don't even ask.

Sesshomaru: Awww.

Kagura: Lawyer's nice?

Sesshomaru: For a price, but don't swallow it twice. What about something lean?

Kagura: You might want Japanese Marine. It's clean, but tastes of wherever it's been!

Sesshomaru: It that squire?

Kagura: No, it's grocer, dum-dum.

Sesshomaru: No it's VICKER!

Kagura: IT'S GROCER!

*They glare, but let it go*

Sesshomaru: *takes her to the middle of the shop* The history of the world, my love…

Kagura: We'll save a lot of graves and help those relatives.

Sesshomaru: Is those below serving those above.

Kagura: They'll be lots of flavors. Yummy.

Sesshomaru: How awesome for once to know….

Both: That those above will serve those down below~ *go to the window*

Sesshomaru: WHAT IS THAT?

Kagura: It's monk. Made of funk. Or we have some cat demon's pie peppered with actual kitty on top. And I've just begun. The half-demon's so oily, it's served with a doily, have one.

Sesshomaru: Well, it certainly does run. *hangs it upside down and grease pours out.* Yuck.

Kagura: Try the friar, and the actor!

Sesshomaru: No. *grabs a knife and holds it to her neck.* I'll come when you have Lord on the menu. *dances again.* Have charity toward the world, my pet.

Kagura: Why not?

Sesshomaru: We'll serve the customers that we can get~

Kagura: Even those poor ones.

Sesshomaru: We'll not discriminate great from small. No, we'll serve anyone….

Both: We'll serve anyone and to anyone…. At all!

Sesshomaru: Except that guy. *points to random guy in the street.*

Random guy: Sadface


	4. Chapter 4

*Lord's house*

Rin: *packing bags.*

Naraku: *opens the door* It's true!

Rin: A gentleman knocks before entering a lady's room.

Naraku: Yeah, but I see no lady.

Rin: Jerk….

Naraku: I told myself it was a lie. You would never hurt me so.

Rin: I will leave this place, you rapist.

Naraku: Fine, then you can leave.

Hakudoshi: *takes her away*

Rin: Aaaaaaah!

Hakudoshi: *puts her into a carriage and it leaves*

Kohaku: OMG, what are you doing? I'm going to…

Naraku: Kill me? Then try!

Kohaku: *runs after the carriage* RIN!

Sesshomaru: Time to build me a sexy chair. *builds it.* Mwahaha.

Kohaku: I feel you, my Rin! The walls cannot hide you because I'm there beside you in your hair. Oh, Rin!

Sesshomaru: *killing people as he sings* Do you have black hair like her? I want to you have black hair. If you don't, I'll be mad. Well, if you have that hair, we shall not meet, my sweet. Rinnnn!

Kohaku: *in the streets* I'll steal you, my Rin….

Sesshomaru: Goodbye, Rin! You're gone and yet you're mine! I am fine! Well, not really. A sexy guy like me resorting to kill people because some guy raped my wife; my life sucks. *dumps bodies*

Kikyo: *looking at the pie shop* Oh, noes, smoke, smoke! That's a sign of the devil! Village on fire! *screams* MISCHIEF!

Random people in the street: WTF?

Sesshomaru: I shall never hear your voice, my dear. The way ahead is clear; I must kill people to get to you.

Kohaku: I feel you, my Rin!

Sesshomaru: You stay the way I dreamed you were, or I swear to God, I will be very pissed off.

Kohaku: OH, MY RIN!

Kikyo: Look, look! Didn't I tell you? Village on fire! *grabs Shippo, who is walking to the shop* Go tell Hakudoshi, sir. Tell him of the demon's spell. TELL HIM!

Shippo: *gets away from her* Go away, freak. *goes into the pie shop where he is greeted by Kagura*

Kagura: Come on, boy. *glares at Kikyo before going inside.*

Sesshomaru: *still killing people* I'll think about you everyday until the day I die, though I think more about myself. You'd look too much like her, and that would be sad, I guess. I just wish we could stay the way we were. Wake up, my darling. Another bright red day…. We learn to say….

Kohaku: *goes to an asylum and sees Rin in the window, holding the bars.* I feel yooooou…..

Sesshomaru: Sayonaraaaaaa~ *dumps one last body.*

Shippo: *outside the shop* Ladies and Gentleman, may I have your attention please? Do you smell that delicious smell and wonder what it is? Well, ladies and gentlemen, you can have some for yourself! Inside of this door! *opens the door and people are eating pie.* There you'll eat Mrs. Kagura's meat pie… savory and sweet pies as you'll see. Come now; conjure up the treat pies used to be.

Kagura: *coming outside* Shippo!

Shippo: Coming!

Kagura: Tea, there!

Shippo: Right, ma'am!

Kagura: *approaching people* Nice to see you; how are things? My bones are weary… Shippo, give him one too. Do you like the birdies? It's keep everything cheery… even if there are murders upstairs.

People: Wha?

Kagura: Nothing. Hahah! EW, Shippo throw that hag out!

Shippo: *shoos Kikyo away.*

People: What's your secret?

Kagura: Family secret. But, it's herbs.

People: Doesn't taste like herbs….

Kagura: IT'S HERBS!

Shippo and Kagura: Eat them slow because they are so yummy. Eat them slow and let them please your tummy! Eat them slow because we told you too! Eat them slow because they're gone now! It's true! Come again tomorrow!

Kagura: *spots man going upstairs* OMG, fresh supplies!

People: Where?

Kagura: They're invisible. Now, would you like some more? *winks at Sesshomaru* God started watching over us, so we're so rich now. And… Shippo throw that hag out!

Shippo: GO AWAY, HAG! *kicks her out*

Kikyo: Jerks….

*Kagura and Sesshomaru are sitting under the Sacred Tree having a picnic.*

Kagura: Do ya think we should have a half-demon head in the shop to bring some peace to the place?

Sesshomaru: It's hard to bring peace to that hellhole when we're slaughtering people day and night. Mwaahah :]

Kagura: Are you even listening?

Sesshomaru: Seeing as how I responded, that means I was listening. You're the one not listening to me.

Kagura: What did I just say then?

Sesshomaru: Are you deaf or something? You said something about putting a half-demon head to bring peace to the shop!

Kagura: Why do you always go on about that bloody Lord?

Sesshomaru: I didn't do anything! What is wrong with you?

Kagura: We're rich now and we're careful in who we kill. *sings* Oh, Mr. Todd, I'm so happy. I could eat you up, I really could.

Sesshomaru: *winces as she kisses him* I really don't taste all that good.

Kagura: I bet you taste delicious.

Sesshomaru: Well, yeah….

Kagura: You know what I'd like to do, Mr. Todd, in a year or so? Dontcha wanna know?

Sesshomaru: Not really.

Kagura: Of course you do. *fantasizes*

*They are by the sea, holdings hands. Shippo is making a sandcastle*

Kagura: By the sea, Mr. Todd, that's that life I want. By the sea, Mr. Todd, you better give me it.

Sesshomaru: No.

Kagura: Well, we'd be alone in a hut that we almost own….

Sesshomaru: Are we that poor that we can't by our own hut?

Kagura: Down by the sea~

Sesshomaru: *gets up and destroys Shippo's sandcastle* Mwahahaha

Shippo: *glare*

*Now they are sitting by a hut, holding hands again*

Kagura: Think how snug it will be when we're here together and we'll kill people everyday to make more pies. And we'll have friends over every Friday~3

Sesshomaru: Please, I have no friends.

Kagura: Let me fantasize, here! *walking down the coast* Down by the sea… The weather sure is nice, isn't it?

Sesshomaru: It's raining.

Kagura: Shut up! Guess what? We'll grow old together~

Sesshomaru: You can grow old. I'm hot, so I'll never age.

Kagura: By the seaside, hoo hoo! By the beautiful sea! It'll be so quiet, that who'll come by it except a demon birdie, hoo hoo? We shouldn't try it until it's legal for two~~

Sesshomaru: We're already breaking the law by killing people; breaking one more law isn't going to do anything.

Kagura: *in a chapel* We can a seaside wedding! My eyelids will flutter, I'll turn into butter, when I say I do-hoo!

Sesshomaru: If you turn into butter, can I use it for my toast?

Kagura: Shut up! *they kiss*

Sesshomaru: Blech!

*Sitting under the tree with Shippo and Sesshomaru*

Kagura: Down by the sea…. Married nice and proper! By the sea, bring along your chopper! To the seaside-hoo-hoo, to the beautiful sea~

Sesshomaru: Well, that was horrid fantasy.

Shippo: For once, I agree with your Mr. Todd.

Kagura: Idiots!


	5. Chapter 5

*At the barber shop*

Sesshomaru: *looking out the window* Stupid people in this village. They all deserve to die~

Kagura: *coming up with a tray* Please, you're not going to start singing that song again, are ya?

Sesshomaru: I might.

Kagura: *puts tray down* Here's your food.

Sesshomaru: Eww.

Kagura: *ignoring him* Can I ask you question? What did your old Kikyo look like….. You can't remember, can you?

Sesshomaru: Argh! You gave me like two seconds to think about it! She had black hair, and she was a priestess and she had a bow and arrow! See? HA! I remember!

Kagura: Chill out. Get over it. She's gone and life is for the alive, my dear. You know… *blushes* we can have that life even if it's not what we both want… we can get by.

Sesshomaru: *turns around and looks at her in the eyes* Don't move.

Kagura: Oh, Mr, T….

Sesshomaru: *pats down his hair* I can see myself in your eyes.

Kagura: Oh…. *they stare at each other. Kohaku comes in.*

Kohaku: Mr. Todd, Mrs. Kagura!

Kagura: Perfect timing, kid.

Kohaku: He has Rin locked in a madhouse.

Sesshomaru: Say what? Well, since I'm so clever and all, I have an idea. Pretend to be a wigmaker's apprentice in search of hair. Find her and bring her back. I'm a genius, aren't I?

Kohaku: Yes?

Sesshomaru: Good answer. Now, go. *Kohaku leaves.* *To Kagura* Get the boy.

Kagura: Leave him out of it.

Sesshomaru: Get him!

Kagura: *under her breath* Stupid prettyboy… Shippo, Mr. Todd wants you!

Shippo: *cleaning tables* Okey-dokey!

Sesshomaru: *writing a letter.* Rin is here with me. Come get her. That slayer will not get to her. Love, Sesshomaru.

Shippo: Yes, Mr. Todd?

Sesshomaru: Find the Lord and give this to him. *hands him letter.*

Shippo: Uh, kay. Can I stop by the grocer to get some….

Sesshomaru: Nooo. You go straight there and come back. Okay? Okay.

Shippo: Okay. *leaves*

Sesshomaru: *sits down and takes out his gameboy.* Mario, jump over the goomba! Stupid! *throws it across the room.*

Shippo: *comes in at night. Kagura is sitting on her chair.* Hola, Senorita.

Kagura: Where the heck were you? Dinner rush killed me.

Shippo: I ran an errand for that stupid face upstairs. And then I went to the workhouse and thought that if not for you, I would be there now.

Kagura: Uh-huh.

Shippo: You know there's someone bad, but you don't know it.

Kagura: How can I know something and not know it?

Shippo: Just let me sing. *sing* Nothing's going to kill you…. Not while I'm around. Nothing's going to kill you, no, sir, not while I'm around. Demons are prowling everywhere. I'll send them crying, I don't care!

Kagura: I'd like to see you try.

Shippo: No one's going to kill you. No one's going to dare. If they leave you, I'll be there! Demons will charm you with a smile, for a while, but in time, no one's going to kill you while I'm around.

Kagura: What the in the bloody hell are you talking about?

Shippo: I think Mr. Todd's bad.

Kagura: OMG

Shippo: Don't worry! I can help you! I ain't dumb!

Kagura: You are if you use 'ain't.'

Shippo: I won't hide things for you! That's true!

Kagura: *sits him down* There's no need for this. Don't be such a wanker to Mr. Todd. He's so good to us.

Shippo: I've heard him yell at you before, though.

Kagura: That's love! Haha. *hands him money* Here you go. Buy some dumplings for us.

Shippo: That's Signor Inuyasha's gay purse!

Kagura: It's my b-day present!

Shippo: We got to go and get Hakudoshi here!

Kagura: No… just stay here. *sings* Nothing's going to kill you, not while I'm around. Nothing's going to kill you, darling, not while I'm around….

Shippo: Demon's will charm you with a smile, for a while, but in time….

Kagura: Stop interrupting! Here, let's go down to the bakehouse. It's your job now.

Shippo: Really? Why the change of heart?

Kagura: No reason. Let's go. *takes him downstairs*

Shippo: It stinks in here!

Kagura: Don't be blaming your farts on other people, boy.

Shippo: But I didn't…

Kagura: Shh! There's the furnace. Make sure the doors are shut tightly. Over here, you put the meat in and give it a grind.

Shippo: Got it.

Kagura: Good boy. Go ahead and eat some if ya want. *shuts the door and locks it. Starts to cry.*

Kohaku: Mr. Miroku, I need some hair.

Miroku: Yellows are in here, sir. *opens door*

Kohaku: Dummy, I want black hair.

Miroku: Ohh…. Sorry, thinking of the real play! *opens other door*

Kohaku: That one! *points at Rin*

Miroku: Her? Are you sure you don't want this one? *picks up Kagome*

Kohaku: No! I want that one!

Miroku: Okay…. Where shall I cut? *takes out sword*

Kohaku: *takes out hatchet and grabs Rin* See ya later. Mwahahaha~

*Kagura is talking with Sesshomaru*

Kagura: He's locked, but if he escapes, he'll go to the law.

Sesshomaru: He won't.

Hakudoshi: *opens door, Kagura gasps*

Kagrua: You scared the cuss out of me!

Hakudoshi: Sorry. I'm here on business. There is a stink for your chimney. I must take a look at the bakehouse.

Sesshomaru: Come for a shave first.

Hakudoshi: Nah…

Sesshomaru: Fine, if you want to be ugly for the rest of your life.

Hakudoshi: *runs upstairs* Let's go!

Sesshomaru: *grin* Coming!

*in the bakehouse*

Shippo: *eating pie. He takes out a claw* WTF? *Hakudoshi is dead and falls to the ground* OMG! LET ME OUT OF HERE, YOU LUNATICS! *goes into sewers*

*Kagura and Sesshomaru look for him.*

Kagura: Shippo, where are you, love?

Sesshomaru: Shippo?

Kagura: *goes into sewers* Nothing's going to kill you, darling, not while I'm around…

Sesshomaru: Shippo!

*Rin, wearing boy's clothes and Kohaku run into the barber shop*

Kohaku: Mr. Todd! Wait for him here. I'll be back with Ah and Un in half an hour!

Rin: So we run away and all our dreams come true?

Kohaku: That's the idea~

Rin: I've only had nightmares.

Kohaku: What a screwed up life you have. See ya in half an hour! *runs out*

Rin: *goes to the table and examines the claws* Coool

Kikyo: HAKUDOSHI! WHERE ARE YOU?

Rin: OMG! *hides in trunk where Inuyasha's body was* Eww, is this dried blood?

Kikyo: *enters* Hakudoshi, I saw you in here; no use hiding! Hakudoshi, Hakudoshi! Bleahghahahah, come out!

Sesshomaru: Ew, hobo lady, get out.

Kikyo: Beware of the devil's wife! She who lives downstairs! *looks at his face* Hey, don't I know? Hehehe.

Sesshomaru: I make a point of avoiding familiarity with hobos.

Kikyo: Ah, well, it would be a shame to put a black mark on your record.

Naraku: Mr. Todd!

Sesshomaru: *looks at Kikyo, who is still standing there. Kills her and dumps her body* Bye bye, crazy hobo lady!

Naraku: *enters* Where is my ward?

Sesshomaru: Downstairs with Mrs. Kagura. Now, thank goodness she was not raped not to my knowledge at least. She loves you. She begs for forgiveness.

Naraku: *smile* I shall give it to her.

Sesshomaru: *grin* How about a shave? So you won't look so ugly when you reunite with her.  
Naraku: Good idea. *sits down* Oh, sexy women!

Sesshomaru: Sexy women, yes.

Naraku: Rin, oh, Rin!

Sesshomaru: *under his breath* Oh, god, please, don't say my daughter's name in that erotic tone. *sings* Pretty women can disappear and still be there, which is creepy when you think about it! You know, we have fellow taste in women.

Naraku: How?

Sesshomaru: The years, no doubt, have changed me, sir. But, I suppose the face of a demon barber, a prisoner in the dark, is really not memorable.

Naraku: *realizing and looks up at him.* Nikito Kato!

Sesshomaru: *screams* NIKITO KATO! *starts stabbing Naraku with his poison claws*

Naraku: *high pitched scream* EEEEEK! *blood gets on Sesshomaru's face*

Sesshomaru: You don't deserve my daughter! That creepy demon slayer does even though I'm going to kill him anyway….. *dumps the body* Hahaha…. Finally…. *sits down with his claws* Thank you, my friends. You have done your purpose.

Rin: *opening the chest*

Sesshomaru: *grabs her out of it* What an ugly little boy. *pushes her onto the chair* Time to die~

Rin: No, I….

*Kagura screams downstairs*

Sesshomaru: Damn it…. Forget my face, okay?

Rin: Okay?

Sesshomaru: *runs down to the bakehouse.*

Kagura: *screaming because Naraku is holding onto her dress* DIE, YOU SICKO! DIE! *sees Kikyo* YOU! *tries to drag the body into the furnace*

Sesshomaru: What in the hell are you screaming about? Did you break a nail?

Kagura: No, that creepy Lord didn't die and he was holding onto my kimono. Hey, you still look hot with that blood.  
Sesshomaru: Of course I do. I always do. *sees her dragging a body* I'll do it. Open the doors.

Kagura: Okay… *opens doors and lights reflect on Kikyo's face.*

Sesshomaru: *sees her* ….. She remembered me…. Okay… let me get this straight, you lied to me?

Kagura: I did it for you.

Sesshomaru: How the hell does this help me? You lied!

Kagura: No, I never said she died, so bleh!

Sesshomaru: Kikyo, I'm home.

Kagura: She went crazy and became a hobo. She should've been in a hospital.

Sesshomaru: My dear….

Kagura: She wound up in the asylum instead. Better you think she was dead. YES, I LIED BECAUSE I LOVE YOU! I WILL BETTER THAN HER! I LOVE YOU!

Sesshomaru: Oh, my god~ *turns to Kagura, who flinches* Aren't you something? You're right; why dwell on the past? Now, come here, my love. You have nothing to fear….

Kagura: Really? I only did it for the best. Can we still get married?

Sesshomaru: What's dead is dead! *begins to waltz with her toward the furnace around the bodies.* The history of the world, my pet.

Kagura: Leave it to me, love.

Sesshomaru: Is to learn forgiveness and try to forget~

Kagura: By the sea, Mr. Todd, let's go there now!

Sesshomaru: Life is for the alive, my dear. So let's keep living it…

Both: Just keep living it!

Sesshomaru: REALLY LIVING IT! *throws Kagura into the furnace*

Kagura: *burning* Aaaaaaaaaah! You jerk! The jokes on you; you're going to hell with meeeee!

Sesshomaru: Damn; didn't think of that. Oh, well. *cradles Kikyo in his arms* There was a demon and his wife and she was beautiful, though not as beautiful as him…. A foolish demon and his wife… she was his reason and his life and she was beautiful, but so was… he…

*while he sings, Shippo comes out of the sewers, looking extremely pissed off, and grabs Sesshomaru's claws. He slits his neck….*

Sesshomaru: *bleeds over Kikyo.*Aaaah, I'm dying… good-bye, world. My beautiful face will be missed….

The End


End file.
